Sunday, January 4, 2009

cocksucking hand jobs

Well it's almost been a whole year since I started this blog and finally my first letter...

Dear Judy,

I'm not terribly great at hand jobs or blow jobs. any suggestions?


Hey K,

I just have to ask, how come you don't think your any good? Ever had any negative criticism? Also, do you enjoy doing these things? If you don't it could be that your partner is picking up on your vibes. My advice is to REALLY get into it, enjoy yourself as much as you can and chances are he will too. If you want to keep your man happy you got to take some pride in the blow jobs for sure and give them as often as you can, it's your duty!!!

Now, on to what you really came for, the hot tips!

Let's start with hand jobs:

My first and best piece of advice is to keep an eye on what your doing, not your hand on his cock, but the expression on your partners face. As soon as you see those eyes roll into the back of his head your on the right track.

Try different grips (both tight and loose) and really work your wrists while keeping an eye on his reaction... his face will never lie to you... and remember what he responds to. That doesn't mean you should just do that one thing over and over again when you find it. With hand jobs (guys and girls) variety is very important as a repetitive motion can end up chaffing or numbing things too much.

Also timing is a big factor. Maybe it's not that you suck but that your timing does.

Let me explain....

Hand jobs are a more "vanilla" form of fore play, they're great and all, but not exactly the most kinky thing in the world. Now try reaching down his pants when he's talking on the phone, gaming on-line, sitting next to you on the bus, or lather up some suds while he's in the shower and WATCH OUT, you got yourself a steamy hand job.

Also, why don't you try slipping on a leather or silk glove first? Different sensations mean different experiences all together, and besides, sometimes our hands have too much "grip", especially if you work in construction or something and have rough hands (depends though, some people might prefer it that way).

Another thing you can try is the multitude of oils and lubes out there, some are formulated specifically for male masturbation and give either a slight warming or cool tingling sensation. I recommend a brand called "Rocket Balm" which is a minty tingly sensation!!! This works well for stimulating girls parts too. In fact, I would say, when giving a hand job always use some sort of lubrication, even if it's just a quick wad of spit in your palm.

For the more erotic hand job you could try tying your partner to a chair first and then interrogate him a little on the whereabouts of some government documents or your favorite coffee mug.

Finally, in case you didn't know, adult toy stores carry a variety of pocket pussies and other sleeves that are designed specifically for male masturbation and there's no law against you using one on your man, as long as he's ok with it.

Now on to the blow jobs:

There are so many things you can try while giving a blow job that it would be impossible to list them all, but again, the most important thing is to PAY ATTENTION!!! Look up at him, is he watching you or the TV? Is he thinking about your jaws wrapped around his member or working out his financial budget for the next month? Once you find out what he likes it's not going to be that hard to get him off good. Everyone's different so you really got to work on it.

Now that that's all said and done here are some suggestions:

Use flavored lube, chances are if your enjoying things more, so will he. If you don't like lube, there are many different foods that you can spread on before hand. Any kind of chocolate works, so does honey, whipped cream, or pudding, just make sure you get it all off before it's over!

If your hair is long enough, wear pig tails, it gives him something to steer with.

Put on a wig, I guarantee this will spice things up a bit. While your at it, make him call you by a different name too.

Use your tongue!

Stretch your mouth out a little every day, you don't want your jaw getting sore right before the big finale.

Put your tongue (when you are not using it) over your bottom teeth so your not scraping the underside of his cock and concentrate on the top ones, unless he specifically asks you to use teeth. Most guys do not like it.

Hum and moan while your down there, it really does act like a vibrator.

And finally, if you REALLY want to give a good blow job, you got to learn to deep throat it honey.You have to get to a point where he can push your face so far down on him that you can stick out your tongue and lick his balls. I'm serious.

If gag reflex is a problem for you, the good news is it's something you CAN work on. Practice on a dildo or a banana or whatever other phallic veggies that you have laying around. Keep trying, try while your drinking beer with friends, make a contest to see who can get more of the bottle neck down their throats. This will improve your performance more than anything... especially when you come out wearing pig tails and suggesting that he really gag you with it.

Well that's all I got for you tonight, hope it works out, and let me know how it goes! (cums?)


Sunday, January 20, 2008

101 things you should consider doing before commiting suicide.

Think you want to end it? Sure, things totally suck right now, but there are at least 101 things I can think of that you should try first. If your really that serious, what have you got to loose?
  1. Hitchhike to a new city and panhandle for food. I bet it wouldn't take but one week before something interesting happened. There are all sorts of homeless shelters and kitchens available in any big city and as far as the hitchhiking goes... at least you don't have to be afraid of getting murdered anymore.
  2. Move in with a relative. At my lowest point I moved to my grandfather's farm and lived there for 4 months. I kept the house clean and cooked the meals, occasionally I would paint a fence or something as well. Those were the best days of my entire life, and it brought me piece of mind, which is a hard thing to accomplish in the big city.
  3. Go to a museum.
  4. Go to the movies alone.
  5. Spend more time at the library. Learning new things opens doors. This is a fact.
  6. Find a way to take some sort of class. Even if it is a government paid home school class or a free tutorial on the web. Get your brain focusing on something else besides how unhappy you are.
  7. Move. All you need to do is save up first and last month's rent in what ever city you are interested in and moving money (enough to get you and your stuff, depending on how much you really need to bring with you, to the city of your choice). I have literally done this a dozen times. It's not hard to save up a couple thousand dollars and relocate. You just have to be committed to finding a job when you get there.
  8. Join a club.
  9. Join a support group.
  10. Phone a help line.
  11. Email me.
  12. Get a pet. It's a great way to focus on some other living thing besides yourself, and they really do depend on you.
  13. Get a plant. Talk to it.
  14. Go for walks.
  15. Make art.
  16. Become a musician and busk on the street. Learn an instrument and do Neil Young or Johnny Cash covers. If you can't learn an instrument learn to use the spoons or just clap your hands.
  17. Make a time line of your entire life, all your memories and dreams and details. Draw a line on the biggest piece of paper you can and post it on your wall. Fill in any thing you can remember and for the next week keep adding to it. Now that you can see it in front of you it might make going forward a little easier.
  18. Go see a counselor and talk about it. There are all sorts of free ones if you can stand to look for them.
  19. Take L.S.D. with people you really care about. This fixed about 25% of all my problems after the first dozen times.
  20. Phone every single person you know and tell them exactly how you feel about them, good or bad.
  21. Get drunk and tell your parents everything you have kept bottled up from them all these years.
  22. Start a blog.
  23. Start sleeping on your roof, or in the tub, or in a closet.
  24. Paint. Just take a brush, dip it into any color you want, and rub it on any surface. Paper, wood found in alleys, garbage, bottles, walls, clothes, your skin (as long as it is water based) or on other peoples property.
  25. Do everything you can to get arrested. Maybe once you really really hit rock bottom things will be clearer.
  26. Draw. Draw stick people, draw stars, boxes, kites, balls, dogs, or cartoons. Draw them doing whatever you want, be God for awhile. If you really don't like drawing try tracing from magazines or comic books. Drawing is one of the most relaxing and rewarding hobbies. It is also the cheapest.
  27. Sing. Sing as loud as you can as often as you can.
  28. Take a hot shower. No matter how bad or sick you feel a shower can make you feel anywhere between 25% to 75% better. This is a fact.
  29. Put clean sheets on your mattress. Get the biggest, warmest blanket you can, and stay in bed for as long as you can. If you can arrange it, watch children's cartoons. They are the least abrasive entertainment (depending on what you choose of course) and watching t.v. is about the least active thing you can do. If possible, arrange for someone to bring you some hot food periodically. Stay this way for as long as you can, or until you absolutely feel like doing something else.
  30. Meditate. Sit for as long as you can in one spot in a comfortable position. As soon as you catch yourself thinking about something push it out and think about nothing. Nothing.
  31. Get a coloring book and color with crayons. Color out of the lines. Scribble. Let your wrists go loose and hang on to the crayon very loosely.
  32. Scribble circles on paper over and over and over. Scribble them until the entire page is black. Keep scribbling them.
  33. If you can afford it, go for breakfast at a greasy dinner and sit by their jukebox. Drink coffee and pump coins into the jukebox until they kick you out.
  34. Go to an arcade and play about 50 games on their pin ball machine. Anyone can play pin ball.
  35. Clean your entire home. Organize all your papers and computer files. Wipe every wall and surface. Don't go anywhere until the entire thing is spotless.
  36. Learn a new language.
  37. Have someone you like over for dinner.
  38. Hug yourself. Don't stop until you feel even a tiny better.
  39. Stretch. Stretch out every day and breath deeply.
  40. Breath deeply. All the time. It doesn't cost anything.
  41. Write a book. Who cares if it's good or not.
  42. Make cartoons about all the people you hate and what happens to them the next time they piss you off.
  43. Write a story about all the people you hate and what happens to them the next time they piss you off.
  44. Listen to music from the 30's, 40's, 50's, and 60's. They didn't let people make disturbing music back then (well, not often anyway). It is all designed to be very soothing or self indulgent. Don't be surprised if some of them make you cry uncontrollably.
  45. Cry. Cry for as long as you can until you actually don't feel like crying about it anymore.
  46. Stop thinking about it. Fantasize about anything else.
  47. Play a game. Solitaire (with a real deck or on the computer), crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles are good one person games.
  48. Read a book. You've got time to read one last book don't you?
  49. Read a graphic novel. They have less words and more pictures. There are a lot of really great ones out there about all sorts of topics.
  50. Sit somewhere in your home where you have never sat before. On the stairs, behind furniture, in a cupboard, in a closet, in the hallway. Stay there until you can think of another place you haven't sat.
  51. Learn Russian with me.
  52. Look out a window. Be like a cat. Don't move and stare at anything that passes.
  53. Sit on your front porch/stairs/lawn and muster up the nerve to say "Hi!" to every person that walks by.
  54. Go hang out with someone, anyone.
  55. Write letters to everyone you know.
  56. Make prank phone calls. The more immature the better.
  57. Make a list of all the things that are really bothering you. Highlight the ones that would take less than a day to fix. Fix those over the next little while. Highlight the ones that would take you less than a week. Fix one at a time until those are all done. Look at your list again and fix anything left (one at a time) until you are left with all the things that require you to focus on them daily...forever (like your health or education or job). Work on those periodically. Concentrate on one for a month and then do another. Try to get into a rhythm.
  58. Make a plan to pay off your debts. Work towards it. Focus on it. Make it the most important thing in your life. Get a second job until you pay some of it off.
  59. Go play bingo all day.
  60. Sit in a park and don't leave for as long as you can. Walk around, drink out of a brown paper bag, play on the swings, and sit on all of the benches. Don't leave after it gets dark. Try to sleep in the park.
  61. Learn about paper mache and make as many masks as you can. Wear these in public.
  62. Wear costume makeup on your face when ever you can. Where ridiculous outfits. People will most likely either laugh or think it is cool.
  63. Walk around until you have met and pet 5 neighbour hood cats. Give them names and go see them weekly. Pick friendly ones.
  64. Pull weeds out of a garden. Even if you don't have one. Go garden in a public park or even in the alley.
  65. Blow up as many balloons as you can. Fill the entire room that you are in.
  66. Get some bubble gum.
  67. Stay up as long as you can until you start to hallucinate.
  68. Get a needle and thread and alter all of your clothing. Sew patches on them. Sew stuff animals or badges or anything you can think of.
  69. Invest in a jacket that covers your entire body and hide in that while you walk around. The best kinds are the ones that feel like big blankets.
  70. Get some kind of portable music device and listen to music everywhere.
  71. Take a drive out to the country.
  72. Go to a graveyard and sit there. Just sit there.
  73. Leave your house with the intention to take as many pictures as you can. Use any kind of camera that is available to you. There are so many things to take pictures of, you just don't notice them until you bring a camera out.
  74. Make a movie on whatever kind of video equipment you can find available to you. Check out the local film society. See what you can do with a membership with them. If you really can't afford to make the film, write a screen play and convince someone else to make it.
  75. Seek out the local animation society and start hanging out there. There is sure to be volunteer work and you will meet some very interesting people there.
  76. Go to a gym. Pay the fee and work out. If you don't know how then do a little research first. You don't want to hurt your self! Talk to someone there... gym people are usually happy to answer your questions.
  77. Go swimming at a rec center or in lake or something. If it's winter, take a polar bear dip.
  78. Drink a hot drink. Tea, coffee (even decaf), hot chocolate, even hot water. If you feel sick try hot water+lemon+honey.
  79. Go see your doctor. If you don't feel better after, you need a different doctor.
  80. Go see a dentist and get your teeth cleaned.
  81. Get a job at a video store and watch as many movies as you can before you quit.
  82. Get a BDSM partner and tie each other up. Play responsibly. Don't hit each other in the kidneys (lower back). Use safe words.
  83. Invest in online gaming. Play second life for a few months. World of Warcraft is also a good one...
  84. Look for a new job. Just because you have one now doesn't mean there isn't a better one out there. Always look for better jobs if your not happy where you are. There is nothing scary about it, people do it all the time.
  85. Change your phone number and don't tell anyone. Unless you want to.
  86. Get a box number and have your mail delivered there. Once a week you can go pick it up.
  87. Get a security deposit box and put your prize possession in there. Go visit it once and awhile.
  88. Start a scrap book. Take a blank book and paste anything you find in there. Garbage off the street, movie stubs, photo's, leaves, flowers, napkins, whatever.
  89. Find an old textbook from the 40's or 50's and study it. I chose a biology textbook from 1943.
  90. Get a water gun, hide, and spray people with it.
  91. Run as fast as you can for as long as you can. Keep going until you feel like you are going to pass out.
  92. Do a search on line to see how many people have the same name as you and find out as much as you can about them.
  93. Start writing and/or drawing on all of your walls.
  94. Take an old piece of electronics and smash it with a baseball bat.
  95. Wrestle with someone. Try to do it with someone who is equally as frustrated with things as you are.
  96. Be naked as much as you can.
  97. Drink as much water as you can and then try to drink a glass every 2-4 hours.
  98. Smoke pot and watch movies. Make lots of popcorn.
  99. Buy yourself new underwear.
  100. Listen to a different radio station, even if you hate it.
  101. Talk to someone.

Friday, January 18, 2008


Wow, I haven't even published a post and already it has been reported that there is lewd content in this blog!

I can't think of a better way to open an advice column focusing on those of us who have "unique" issues.

For starters:

1. This is a place for people to anonymously submit personal problems that reach beyond the scope of regular advice columns (we are not going to focus on regular relationship type issues here).

2. There is no issue too perverted or "freaky" to discuss here.

3. I will do my best to provide insightful and supportive replies. This doesn't mean that I won't truthfully point out areas where you may need to focus. I am not sugar coating anything for you.

4. There are no victims here, only people who want to learn and grow from past experiences. If you are writing me I hope it is out of a sincere desire to over come an issue or even just to accept that you have survived it.

I hope that this blog can help people that otherwise might not seek any assistance because their problems are too embarassing or private to discuss with someone face to face. I am not a doctor. I am not your mother. I am here though, and willing to discuss your issues with you.